Thursday, November 12, 2009

A butter smooth voice like Santa Claus...

My housemate, ****,  is the owner of a fine southeast Portland restaurant. So fine that it/he sometimes attracts rabid followers, zealots -- or at least unstable people who not only have a knack for writing creatively bizarre notes, but also for coming on a little too strong.

Yes, he is having a little problem. It started out innocently enough: seemingly eccentric middle-aged lady showers him and his restaurant with compliments, inquires about a job, and even provides him with examples of her chef-(ing?) abilities. So yeah, okay, was strange that she was so adamant about the restaurant not stealing her dishware (I believe a note was attached, reinforcing this request), what? She at least gave him a resume: a handwritten narrative about life on the range, making breakfast for Ma-n-Pa, sobriety, near-death childhood-sicknesses, and other weird shit. Though I have never seen this woman (I have only been told tales), apparently she looks the part of eccentric too. A 'can't miss 'em' sort of thing. Still, nothing that couldn't be dismissed...

Well, the notes have remained just as bizarre as her resume, but now they're more frequent. And then, a dine-n-dash with a written explanation on her food ticket kinda marked her as a problem. Here's what she wrote:

 Just give moi a shout and I'll remedy the situation.
Heavenly ****, Your serviceware stinks like dog this morning and I just remembered I don't have my credit card.
In closing, do not use my art without my written consent. I'm off to meet my maker.
                                                                                            Au revoir

The art in question, both **** and I assume, is the drawings on a couple of the notes that she sent to him. One is a drawing of a saggy face, bald but with drooping long hair on the sides. The inscription underneath says "Dr D. Frankenstein Herr nurse White." The other is a drawing of a cat in a green dress with purple high heels on, its arms raised up, smiling, with this phrase attached: "Samba Strut kitten La mu."

After failing to pay her bill, Mrs. Dash later sent him another note, this time asking **** if he knew any eligible bachelors that he could set her up with. This was an especially strange letter; funny at times, disturbing at others. She describes one 'dude' in her life as "the friendly-lion white honestly," and another guy as having "a butter smooth voice like Santa Claus" (you didn't think I was that creative with my titles, did you?). Apparently, these guys in her life were a bad influence or were cruel, so she asks ****: "Honestly, dear **** do you know any fine upstanding elders like Bud Clark who just like women as friends first toujour. I can't get a decent date to save my tattered soul and I'm not a lesbian." At the end of this note, she reminds him about the smelly offense that she endured: "In closing, I hope you alleviated the dog gone fool dishwasher who contaminated your restaurant with pooch stank.... it's simply inhumane."

(Oh yeah, she really HATES dogs! **** told me about her traumatic childhood experience with dogs. Well, actually, it sounded traumatic for the dog because apparently she snatched it up and threw it at the television in disgust. Like a spoiled child readily discarding an unwanted gift. Brat).

The subject was brought up by **** this morning because he has recently had to block this woman's number since she has left many long voicemail messages on his personal phone. **** hasn't even pursued the dine-n-dash incident; he was hoping that she would feel guilty and not come around anymore. But no, according to his employees, she has come around and delivered notes and messages when **** is not there. It's still hard to tell if this person is a real menace, and by the nature of her letters she seems harmless. But how can one tell? Does she need to go into a fit of destructive rage before something needs to be done?

Really, what it seems like is schizophrenia. And so, therefore, I'm an asshole for pokin' fun at her letters, I know. But hey, her phrasings are fucking funny, and not altogether nonsensical -- gibberish it ain't. In fact, both **** and I were noting that she is not a bad writer. Her notes are not illegible, just weird; and it's been awhile since I've read anything this strange.

However, it is going in that direction, which always spells trouble. That sounds very suggestive. I mean, she is exhibiting stalker behavior. The visits to the restaurant have increased, and the voice messages were one after another, and not very far apart in time. **** doesn't seem to be overly worried, and it's not quite at that level where it needs reporting. Still....

And on a completely different note, I must comment on some of the comments that I've been getting on this blog. It's embarassing, but I'll admit it: I fell for the congratulatory and encouraging words from one 'person,' -- a word generator, probably representing a corporation. I responded with something like "Thanks. Hey, do you write as well?" No response. As far as I could tell (by tracing back his link), he has no blog, and is linked to a Brazillian news site, which seems like a random link,. And at the bottom of his comments, there is a small like to a vitamin company called Vitabits, though the website is in French. And then again, in my last post, is another comment from 'someone' new, who has the same link to the Vitabits website, this time in English. The earlier comments from 'Neil Kevin' actually sound coherent. He even thinks that the "You Know Nothing" videos are sad. But the one on the last post from 'Michael Argent' is really pretty silly. Obviously, one could just scan the comment on that post, but what the hell, I'll reprint it here:

I feel sorry for your several condition but I also get impressed with your good work in the blog which shows great information.You need some rest and Acidophilus which work for you.I want to know suggestion from others.

Of course you want to know suggestion from others, since you probably lifted the phrase 'Acidophilus' from Aunty Christ's previous comment, and you wanna sound more human. C'mon, you damn bot!

Wouldn't it be funny if these were actual people who were genuinely interested in this blog and I just completely alienated them? What would be the odds of two vitabit-promoting motherfuckers settling on this obscure-as-motherfuck blog? I'd be an asshole, again, I know.

Au Revoir

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